Sunday, June 20, 2010

Let's Talk About Your Underwear

I realize that this is a difficult subject for some of us adults to discuss, but I think it's just time that we joined those who are below the age of 29, and just put 'em right out there on the table for all to see.

Let's face it, everyone under the age of thirty, and many many who shouldn't over the age of 30, have been well...to put it bluntly...wearing their underwear on their sleeves. Actually that's probably the only place they haven't been wearing it and if I have started a new fashion trend I will have to kill myself.

It just seems that anywhere I go; I cannot escape people's underwear. Even in winter weather, I am bombarded with inescapable shots of people's shorts. Hiked up where their pants should be and pants that are loose and shoved down so far it is obviously uncomfortable. Otherwise, why would they be continually yanking them back up?

In the store the other day, I even saw jeans on the rack with the underwear sewn in. That's right, your choice of boxers or boxer briefs in all their peek-a-boo glory. Now half reading this are appalled and the other half will be asking what store.

Well to each his own. In my day, we had our fashion trends that the older adults just hated. Those that were actually fashionable and made people look good and/or sexy remained. Those that didn't; bellbottoms, the mullet and polyester leisure suits, to name a few of the fohpahs, are now, hopefully, only available for view in high school yearbooks, “Swinger” pictures that haven’t spontaneously combusted...maybe the back of some of our closets. You know, just for Halloween and retro parties.

Let me address this fashion fad, applying a few tips that I learned straight off the farm and going into theatre. Fortunately, like the guy did for Andy in "The Devil Wears Prada", I had several people mentor me in a few things fashion and a few things social, so I didn't stick out like "a straw tick in silk sheets", as Grandma used to say.

First and foremost, this is not attractive. Granted, if you have a half way decent body, it is socially acceptable should it be accidental or unrealized. However, none of this seems to be by accident. If it is, we have failed as a society to teach our children proper clothes sizes and how to simply put their pants on.

This trend means, of course, that you have spent hours trying to decide how much should show and struggled with how to keep the jeans themselves from falling off. While this does show an admirable perseverance, it also shows that you have too much time on your hands and you're not very bright.

Maybe it's just my version of long hair, but every time I see this I just want to go ahead and yank the pants the rest of the way down. Unless that is you have that arrogant "Look at what a stud I am" air about you.

In this case, I just want to walk up and challenge you to just strip it off and go ahead and give us a look. Isn't that what you're mode of dress is all about anyway? So why not just dispense with the uncomfortable "style" (please note the sarcasm in the quotation marks) and go publicly commando?

And ladies, you are not immune to this either. Many of you have adopted the same "look". This is not in the least sexy. The only time a woman in a pair of men's boxer shorts is sexy is when they are mine and you are running around in my house...or yard...or driveway.

Although, there was that time when a woman I had been dating came up to me at a very elegant party and whispered in my ear, "I'm wearing your underwear". Now that was VERY sexy. The images of her in that beautiful designer black evening dress, and knowing that a missing pair of my white CK boxer briefs was....oh sorry.

Ladies, while I am chastising; let's talk about bras as well, specifically the strap. Let me assure you that a bra strap is only sexy to a man when we accidentally see it or we are slipping it off your shoulders ourselves. Those little sexy tops with spaghetti straps are NOT enticing when there is an extra set of visible straps.

While we are at it, the bare midriff is great, especially with a tight toned tummy and a cute little belly button. All of that is ruined by the sight of a thong top an inch or two above your skirt or jeans. Yes, we men are visual, but show us too much without our having to "fight" for it and the chase is ruined and we are off trying to conquer someone a little less conquerable.

Now let's talk about the underwear itself. Guys, we aren't very smart when it comes to underwear. Here are some tips that we must know. Now following these tips do not make you gay or metro sexual. Basically, it just keeps you from being embarrassed when you are in a car wreck, and on the occasions when someone actually WANTS to see your underwear.

First, if you cannot read the writing on the tag, throw it away. I know, I know, that's just about the time it starts getting comfortable. Do what I do. Remember when your mama used to say "go put on some play clothes"? Well, I have two sets of underwear, one being my play underwear. These are the ones I wear when there is no possible way that anyone is going to see or want to see my underwear. Needless to say, these days I have LOTS of play underwear.

If the underwear has bleach holes, rips or the threading has come loose from the waistband, keep them in a pile that you only use to wash the car or windows. Do not misunderstand, while you can wear them during these chores, I am recommending that you use them to actually wash the car or windows. That way, if a hot woman comes by and sees you using your shorts as a cleaning rag, she'll know that you only wear good underwear and you may be giving her images of what you might look like in them. If you catch her doing this, you may offer to model them for her sometime later.

Now underwear should fit! No more one size fits all boxers! Underwear, even boxers, need to be snug at the hip and butt, otherwise it isn't doing its job. That's right; there is a health reason for why we wear underwear. It's not just to keep in inside of our pants from getting dirty. The waistband should land from just above the public line to no more than 1 1/2 inch below the naval. Although the further away from the naval, the tighter the underwear should be. If you are not sure of this measurement, get your wife or girlfriend or you’re whatever to measure for you. Imagine how much fun that could be?

And guys, when you dress up, pull your drawers on accordingly. I actually overheard a conversation at a table of hot looking women in a restaurant discussing the whoas of today's male. Hint guys: at restaurants, when blessed with being seated near a table of sexy women, don't just try to get their attention, do some eavesdropping and you'll learn a whole lot. And by virtually ignoring them, you'll seem aloof and draw their attention. (See God only made me LOOK stupid!)

This discussion revolved around a date one of the ladies had with "the sexiest man I have ever seen", whom she had informed her coven...uhh...entourage that she was no longer seeing. It seems that she had asked him to escort her to the opening of a play. He arrived looking "so edible" in a fitted tux, a perfect shave and smelling "so hot and all man".

Apparently he played the right cards and after the opening she invited him to her apartment for drinks. One thing lead to another, and she decided that she would no longer see him and warned her coven...uh...girlfriends that he was no longer on the "hot" list, to which they ALL agreed.

Why you ask? It wasn't because he was lousy in the sack. It was because when the pants came off, and showed off "the sexiest little black briefs", they were ripped and the label was loose and sticking out the back. Hence, when dressing, think in advance and let the shorts match the style. I'm not saying that they have to be coordinated. Just make sure you are not wearing baggy holey boxers under your tux.

Let's quickly recap. Underwear that fits, underwear that you can read the writing on the label. And we don't show our underwear unless someone asks to see it.

Follow these rules guys and gals, and we may rid the world of yet another embarrassing fashion don't, and be well on our way of challenging the tool belt butt crack from sight as well.